This Week in Softball - The John Denver on Crack Edition (Season Finale)

Tiger Woods, those who eat mashed up chickpeas, people who grill with charcoal, those with man boobs, and people named Scotty, Ryan, Mohammed and Matthew...

Welcome to This Week in Softball - The John Denver on Crack Edition (Season Finale)!!!


The season is over.  Yes, over.  America's favorite misfit, piece of shit-playing softball team, The Bush Pilots, were mercifully (literally and figuratively) knocked out of the ghey "Jacket Tournament", 15-3, by the New Place Lounge last night.

Now, onto the highlights...

THE GAME

Coach Proc walked up to take the coin toss and was greeted by a New Place Lounger named Scotty.  Scotty was quite the spaz fucker and shook Coach Proc's hand and introduced himself.  He proceeded to let it be known that the New Place Lounge had finished their regular season with a 1-15 record.  While this made absoutely no impression on Coach Proc, the knowledge of their 1-15 record would later make all of Team Bush feel like shit.  Its one thing to lose to a shitty team, but to suffer yet another beatdown (15-3) to a team like that made it all the more inexcuseable.

What the fuck people?  15-3 to that team?  Man, we blow.

FOND MEMORIES OF THE NEW PLACE LOUNGE

Many years ago, our man Dugger was at the New Place Lounge where upon leaving the bar in a drunken stupor, he was cold-cocked in the face by some dudes in the parking lot.  It was pointed out that this is the second time in his life that he has suffered a New Place Lounge beatdown.









JOHN DENVER ON CRACK

As mentioned, the coach for the New Place, "Scotty", was a spaz.  And damn if the sumbitch didn't look like John Denver on crack, as pointed out by Dawg.  He looked like this...just sayin'...





I'M ON A BOAT

Yes, we are referencing the most-cool song, "I'm On A Boat" again.  Why?  Because most of you bastards didn't watch the video.  Scroll down now to last week's TWIS (below) and watch the damn thing.  Its funny.

DUSTY NEEDS TO WARM UP

Midway through the game, Dusty ran out to replace Focker at second base.  He threw a ball to Coach Proc, who was running out to first base and said, "Hey Proc, warm me up!"

Coach Proc replied, "I don't think (after last week's performance) that its a good idea to throw you warm up throws."

DUSTY VINDICATED!

As the game was starting, Dusty leaned over and said, "That is the naked ump from the shower!", referring, of course, to the ump Dusty has seen in previous weeks, showering in the Rotunda/Auschwitz bathroom.  Luckily for Dusty, this week, he did not see any naked ump action in the crapper.  Post-game, an exploratory field trip to the showers, showed portable water handles and evidence of water on the floor, which proved Dusty right that the umpire really has been showering in that shithole.

When it was questioned about the plumbing and its ability to provide water, Gaylord Focker piped up that his dad, a.k.a. Father Focker, is a plumber and that he knows plumbing.


"My dad is a plumber.  I know what I'm talking about."
- G. Focker




RUN FORREST RUN!

This should actually be titled, "Run Focker Run!".  In our last at-bat, Focker hit a ground ball to short and started to run.  Actually, he quit running.  Then when the throw sailed over the first basemen's head, he attempted to run again, only to bail out on running completely on what would've got him on base.  He never made it even half way down the line.  The ball was still rolling around freely as he walked back to the dugout.

Bad Focker!


NEW SPOKESPERSON

Its been decided that T.C. really does sound like that guy who asks questions in the Geico Insurance commercials.  It was pointed out that the voice of the Geico gecko was recently fired.  Here is an actual photo from T.C.'s audition for the new spokesperson position.

Congrats T.C.!

TWIS Editor's Note:  We have actual audio of T.C. as the Geico man. Check back here as we will try to convert the cell phone audio/ring tone to a useable, web (.wav or .mp3 audio file).


PERSONAL JESUS

During the game, T.C. dove for a ball and made a nice catch.  Actually, it was debated whether it was a graceful dive or a blow-up/fall-down like our man Mitchy usually does when catching a ball.  UPS Greg referred to T.C. as a gymnast and said T.C.'s moves reminded him on former Olympic Gold Medalist Nadia Comaneci.  Who knew T.C. was such a contortionist?

Later, while examining T.C.'s war wounds, Dugger proclamined that he could see Jesus in the wound.  If you look closely, you will see him too!




Speaking of Jesus, here is a song we here at TWIS like (watch it dammit!).  Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode...


HUMMOUS

Being as we were in East Dearborn, home to some marvelous Middle Eastern food, it was appropriate that UPS Greg's dad, Mohammed Swain (no, its not his real name), hooked us up with some tasty hummous.



MISS USA! MISS USA!

And seeing we were in East Dearborn, home of Miss USA, this topic came up...


TIGER WOODS NEIGHBOR

Has our man, Mike Schultz mentioned his crib in Florida is near Tiger Woods?  :-)

We hear they are BFF's.

FUTURE SPARTYS?

We do not know why there was an old, abandoned couch on the Rotunda grounds, but there it was in all its glory.  Some of the kids posed for a picture.  We are all hoping they don't go to Michigan State (GO BLUE!) and become couch burners.

Too late, T.C. lit it on fire.

Damn you, T.C.!









HOT DOG!

Thanks to Coach Proc for brining the hot dogs and buns.  Thanks to Dawg for cookin' 'em up on the old-fashioned charcoal grill near the picnic pavillion.  Thanks to UPS Greg for buying the charcoal and some beer and thanks to Jump for going to the store for the charcoal and beer.

Good men, all of you.

MOOBS

Late into the night, while hanging in the picnic pavillion and a million beers in, Team Bush watch a 330 foot home run get jacked (or was it foul?).  The ball hit a dude in the head who was standing by the Rotunda shitter house.  It clunked him right on the melon.  You could hear the hollow sound.

Why is this worthy of brining up?

Because several members of Team Bush (T.C., UPS Greg and Focker) thought the ball hit a woman.  You know, a female.  A chick.

However, it hit what appeared to be a 57-year old white MAN who had white hair and shorts pulled up halfway to his tits.

One of the genius men on Team Bush said they thought the person in question had boobs.

Man boobs maybe.

Or, as Dawg said, "Moobs".

Fags, all of you.   That was a bad, incorrect, ghey call on that being a chick.

DONATIONS FOR BEAN'S DAD

Some of you were wondering about donations, flowers, etc. for Bean's dad who passed away last week.  If interested, the family requests you send a donation to:

Gleaners Community Food Bank
In Memory of:  George McGlinnen
2131 Beaufait
Detroit, MI  48207

GAME OFF!

Well, we've come to the end of yet, another softball season.  For Coach Proc and a few others, this was season number 26 (with one year off).  Despite the horrific 2-14 record and the playoff beatdown by a shitty team, it was a fun year.  The start times worked out perfectly, and, of course, we have a great group of guys to hang out with.

So, with that said...Who is in for next year?   Coach Proc says, "YES!!!  Let's do this!"

Hell yeah we are playing next year.  Let's get a couple of young bucks (The Suite Life of Trev and Trav?) and put this together again!  Thursdays worked out great, but we do need a better turnout from you fuggers next year.  Some weeks it was tough getting 10 guys due to commitments.

Football season is upon us!  GO BLUE!  GO LIONS!  Many of the fellas on the team will be up at O'Kelley's KofC every other Wednesday during the football season (for fantasy football stuff), so come out and have a beer with us.  Coach Proc will send out notes to invite you.

And with that said, the 2010 Bush Pilots softball season comes to close.  Stay warm this fall and winter and we'll see you back on the diamond next spring!!!

-COACH PROC