This Week in Softball - The John Denver on Crack Edition (Season Finale)

Tiger Woods, those who eat mashed up chickpeas, people who grill with charcoal, those with man boobs, and people named Scotty, Ryan, Mohammed and Matthew...

Welcome to This Week in Softball - The John Denver on Crack Edition (Season Finale)!!!


The season is over.  Yes, over.  America's favorite misfit, piece of shit-playing softball team, The Bush Pilots, were mercifully (literally and figuratively) knocked out of the ghey "Jacket Tournament", 15-3, by the New Place Lounge last night.

Now, onto the highlights...

THE GAME

Coach Proc walked up to take the coin toss and was greeted by a New Place Lounger named Scotty.  Scotty was quite the spaz fucker and shook Coach Proc's hand and introduced himself.  He proceeded to let it be known that the New Place Lounge had finished their regular season with a 1-15 record.  While this made absoutely no impression on Coach Proc, the knowledge of their 1-15 record would later make all of Team Bush feel like shit.  Its one thing to lose to a shitty team, but to suffer yet another beatdown (15-3) to a team like that made it all the more inexcuseable.

What the fuck people?  15-3 to that team?  Man, we blow.

FOND MEMORIES OF THE NEW PLACE LOUNGE

Many years ago, our man Dugger was at the New Place Lounge where upon leaving the bar in a drunken stupor, he was cold-cocked in the face by some dudes in the parking lot.  It was pointed out that this is the second time in his life that he has suffered a New Place Lounge beatdown.









JOHN DENVER ON CRACK

As mentioned, the coach for the New Place, "Scotty", was a spaz.  And damn if the sumbitch didn't look like John Denver on crack, as pointed out by Dawg.  He looked like this...just sayin'...





I'M ON A BOAT

Yes, we are referencing the most-cool song, "I'm On A Boat" again.  Why?  Because most of you bastards didn't watch the video.  Scroll down now to last week's TWIS (below) and watch the damn thing.  Its funny.

DUSTY NEEDS TO WARM UP

Midway through the game, Dusty ran out to replace Focker at second base.  He threw a ball to Coach Proc, who was running out to first base and said, "Hey Proc, warm me up!"

Coach Proc replied, "I don't think (after last week's performance) that its a good idea to throw you warm up throws."

DUSTY VINDICATED!

As the game was starting, Dusty leaned over and said, "That is the naked ump from the shower!", referring, of course, to the ump Dusty has seen in previous weeks, showering in the Rotunda/Auschwitz bathroom.  Luckily for Dusty, this week, he did not see any naked ump action in the crapper.  Post-game, an exploratory field trip to the showers, showed portable water handles and evidence of water on the floor, which proved Dusty right that the umpire really has been showering in that shithole.

When it was questioned about the plumbing and its ability to provide water, Gaylord Focker piped up that his dad, a.k.a. Father Focker, is a plumber and that he knows plumbing.


"My dad is a plumber.  I know what I'm talking about."
- G. Focker




RUN FORREST RUN!

This should actually be titled, "Run Focker Run!".  In our last at-bat, Focker hit a ground ball to short and started to run.  Actually, he quit running.  Then when the throw sailed over the first basemen's head, he attempted to run again, only to bail out on running completely on what would've got him on base.  He never made it even half way down the line.  The ball was still rolling around freely as he walked back to the dugout.

Bad Focker!


NEW SPOKESPERSON

Its been decided that T.C. really does sound like that guy who asks questions in the Geico Insurance commercials.  It was pointed out that the voice of the Geico gecko was recently fired.  Here is an actual photo from T.C.'s audition for the new spokesperson position.

Congrats T.C.!

TWIS Editor's Note:  We have actual audio of T.C. as the Geico man. Check back here as we will try to convert the cell phone audio/ring tone to a useable, web (.wav or .mp3 audio file).


PERSONAL JESUS

During the game, T.C. dove for a ball and made a nice catch.  Actually, it was debated whether it was a graceful dive or a blow-up/fall-down like our man Mitchy usually does when catching a ball.  UPS Greg referred to T.C. as a gymnast and said T.C.'s moves reminded him on former Olympic Gold Medalist Nadia Comaneci.  Who knew T.C. was such a contortionist?

Later, while examining T.C.'s war wounds, Dugger proclamined that he could see Jesus in the wound.  If you look closely, you will see him too!




Speaking of Jesus, here is a song we here at TWIS like (watch it dammit!).  Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode...


HUMMOUS

Being as we were in East Dearborn, home to some marvelous Middle Eastern food, it was appropriate that UPS Greg's dad, Mohammed Swain (no, its not his real name), hooked us up with some tasty hummous.



MISS USA! MISS USA!

And seeing we were in East Dearborn, home of Miss USA, this topic came up...


TIGER WOODS NEIGHBOR

Has our man, Mike Schultz mentioned his crib in Florida is near Tiger Woods?  :-)

We hear they are BFF's.

FUTURE SPARTYS?

We do not know why there was an old, abandoned couch on the Rotunda grounds, but there it was in all its glory.  Some of the kids posed for a picture.  We are all hoping they don't go to Michigan State (GO BLUE!) and become couch burners.

Too late, T.C. lit it on fire.

Damn you, T.C.!









HOT DOG!

Thanks to Coach Proc for brining the hot dogs and buns.  Thanks to Dawg for cookin' 'em up on the old-fashioned charcoal grill near the picnic pavillion.  Thanks to UPS Greg for buying the charcoal and some beer and thanks to Jump for going to the store for the charcoal and beer.

Good men, all of you.

MOOBS

Late into the night, while hanging in the picnic pavillion and a million beers in, Team Bush watch a 330 foot home run get jacked (or was it foul?).  The ball hit a dude in the head who was standing by the Rotunda shitter house.  It clunked him right on the melon.  You could hear the hollow sound.

Why is this worthy of brining up?

Because several members of Team Bush (T.C., UPS Greg and Focker) thought the ball hit a woman.  You know, a female.  A chick.

However, it hit what appeared to be a 57-year old white MAN who had white hair and shorts pulled up halfway to his tits.

One of the genius men on Team Bush said they thought the person in question had boobs.

Man boobs maybe.

Or, as Dawg said, "Moobs".

Fags, all of you.   That was a bad, incorrect, ghey call on that being a chick.

DONATIONS FOR BEAN'S DAD

Some of you were wondering about donations, flowers, etc. for Bean's dad who passed away last week.  If interested, the family requests you send a donation to:

Gleaners Community Food Bank
In Memory of:  George McGlinnen
2131 Beaufait
Detroit, MI  48207

GAME OFF!

Well, we've come to the end of yet, another softball season.  For Coach Proc and a few others, this was season number 26 (with one year off).  Despite the horrific 2-14 record and the playoff beatdown by a shitty team, it was a fun year.  The start times worked out perfectly, and, of course, we have a great group of guys to hang out with.

So, with that said...Who is in for next year?   Coach Proc says, "YES!!!  Let's do this!"

Hell yeah we are playing next year.  Let's get a couple of young bucks (The Suite Life of Trev and Trav?) and put this together again!  Thursdays worked out great, but we do need a better turnout from you fuggers next year.  Some weeks it was tough getting 10 guys due to commitments.

Football season is upon us!  GO BLUE!  GO LIONS!  Many of the fellas on the team will be up at O'Kelley's KofC every other Wednesday during the football season (for fantasy football stuff), so come out and have a beer with us.  Coach Proc will send out notes to invite you.

And with that said, the 2010 Bush Pilots softball season comes to close.  Stay warm this fall and winter and we'll see you back on the diamond next spring!!!

-COACH PROC

This Week in Softball - The Outhouse Edition

Those who whiz in outhouses, Futabas, those who carry trophies, last place finishers, Chef Boyardee and those named Zachary, Tim and Wojo....

Welcome to This Week in Softball - The Outhouse Edition


Well America, the regular season has come to a conclusion for the Pilots of Bush.  Yet another defeat was laid upon this merry band of shitty softball players.  This time, it was a 22-3 drubbing by the radio-controller, servo-motor people from the Futaba Corporation.  Yes, you read that right.  22-3.  Fug, it was ugly.

THE GAME

After spotting the Futaba bastards a 16-0 lead, the Bush Pilots were successful in getting on the board when Dusty ripped a single to left to score Focker, who had made it to 3rd base on several, Bush Pilot-like throwing errors by Futaba.  It seemed like every Futaba dude batted 8 times each during the game.  Their old man pitcher, who chokes up on the bat like a teenager chokes up on his pecker, finished the season 19-for-20 against Dugger.  That old guy dropped 19 singles (on popups) just over our infielders head in 4 games this season.  He is Dugger's nemesis.

FOCKER OUT $5

Gaylord Focker lost $5 in the parking lot pre-game as he bet UPS Greg's kid, Zachary, that the kid couldn't throw a hardball and hit the porta shitter.  The kid picked up the ball and nailed the crapper.  Focker paid up.  More on throwing baseballs at porta johns later...

THAT AIN'T NO JOKE

We were remiss in last week's TWIS not mentioned Mitchy's catch line of the week last week, "That ain't no joke."  Well, it wasn't a joke that our man hurt his neck making his fall-down catch last week and had to miss the last game of the season.  Travel safe to Florida this week Mitchy and have fun.

I'M ON A BOAT

Post-game, it was mentioned that Hose disappeared.  He was in his truck.  Why, this prompted Dawg to start singing and referring to the song/video of "I'm On A Boat" we do not know.

However, we here at TWIS dig, "I'm On A Boat".  Here's the video:


PLAYING SOUND DEFENSE

Kudos to Dusty for dropping a couple soft ones last night at second base.  Post-game he was still dumbfounded at his lack of defenseive prowess stating, "I didn't see any naked guys in the Auschwitz bathroom tonight, so nothing should've affected me."

Someone yelled out, "Way to hold 'em to one (base), Dusty!"

Its truly heartwarming to see teammates finding the positive out of the negative.

TROPHY

Futaba was spotted taking pictures with their trophy.  Coach Proc was overheard saying, "Look at those f***ers and their trophy."

Coach Proc knows sportsmanship.

CULP FICTION

Our man Face was sporting a most-excellent, "Culp University" shirt last night.  As you can see here, it was most stylish.  We hear the number one class taken by students at Culp University is "Debauchery 101".

If so, Face has a PhD in Debauchery.   You may all call him Professor Face or, Dr. Face.

However, we are more impressed with Face's acting skills in the movie, "Culp Fiction".  Here he is starring alongside, Samuel L. "Mother Fucker" Jackson. 







GRILLING

Great job again by "K"ramer on the grill.


Here he is bitchin' up hot dogs and burgers for the fellas with his most excellent, tailgate setup.

Later in the night, Dugger called "K"ramer, "Chefboyardee".






GETTING TO THIRD BASE

Dawg asked Coach Proc, "What's it like to get to third base?".  Coach Proc described it as "Wonderful, there is a breeze over there."  But to quote a great line from the movie, "American Pie",  ""It feels like warm apple pie..." .

Seeing as its rarity for any Bush Pilot to get to third base during a game and in real life as well, getting this far was like being in uncharted territory as a softball player or a teenager in the backseat of a car.


DOES CHARLIE DANIELS PLAY A MEAN FIDDLE?

We here at TWIS are amazed at how much T.C. sounds like the guy in the Geico commercials that asks questions.

We even think T.C. looks like this dude.

Could it be T.C. in real life?  Is T.C. the "Geico Man"?



NICE LICENSE PLATE

Our man, Mike Schultz has a fishy on his license plate.  A fuggin' shark fishy. 

Not bad.



HIT THE SHITTER

Post-game, the Bush Pilots dined on fine food and imbibed in many beers.  Near the end of the evening, it was decided to take a bucket of hardballs out of UPS Greg's truck and see if anyone had a good enough arm to throw the baseball and hit the porta-john.  Many threw a dollar on the ground and took their best shot.  Round after round was held, until finally, UPS Greg hit the roof of the shitter.  Way to go UPS Greg!  For his reward, he collected $57 off the ground that the fellas had ponied up.  We are proud to report, UPS has paid the ump fees for Monday's playoff game and paid off his kid to ensure he doesn't tell Momma of his windfall.

MONDAY

The "jacket tournament" playoff game will be this Monday at 6:30pm on Field #4 against the New Place Lounge.  Be there!  Let's party on a Monday!

CONDOLENCES

On a serious note...our good friend, Mike "Bean" McGlinnen, lost his dad last night.

Bean, thoughts and prayers go out to you, your dad and your family from your Bush Pilot family and all the fellas.  We all extend our deepest sympathies and are saddened by your loss.


-COACH PROC

This Week in Softball - The Smells Like Teen Spirit Edition

Those who smell like ass, people who drink beer out of paper bags and then decide balls and strikes at sporting events, beef eaters and those named Cam, Jordanian, Jason and Al...

Welcome to This Week in Softball - The Smells Like Teen Spirit Edition

WHERE HAVE ALL THE PILOTS GONE

It was a brutal loss last night folks.  We will not, nor can we, sugar coat the game results.  The severely, depleted, Bush Pilots squad was defeated 22-2, in a game that seemed further out of reach that that.  We here at TWIS were almost giddy with happiness that the VA Team didn't score 30 fuggin' runs on us. We did manage to get 10 Pilots to the game and even threw in Jeffro Bardelli's son, Cam, and Dugger's son, Jordan.  Hell, why not?   These boys have seen their dads lose for years now, why not make them a part of these beatdowns to understand our standing in world of softball.

Which leads us to:  WHERE HAVE ALL THE BUSH PILOTS GONE?   You fuggers have more excuses. Well, actually this week, no one even bothered to give excuses.  Hell, half of ya never responded.  WTF people?  Man up already.  One game left.  We expect you there!!!

COACH PROC HITS FOR THE CYCLE

Not really, but he did go 3 for 3 in this disgusting mess of a game and at this time would like to congratulate himself.  We believe when a Bush Pilots congratulates oneself, its called, "masterbushing".

SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT

"Smells Like Teen Spirit" - Dawg, when asked to comment on theme of the night.  Due to the youngsters participating on our game, this is a very fitting term.

And, its a cool Nirvana video too...



NO LOOPS

Can Return Al was back in the house!  We had feared the worst (dude is looking bad), but he made a triumphant return.  It was pointed out, he wore a belt to hold up his pants, yet the pants didn't have any belt loops.  We offer this as proof of the No Loop Pants Syndrome:

HURRY UP WITH MY CANS BITCH

At one point, CRA pulled up in the dented, yet stylish Taurus and kept laying on the horn.  This was to get Mitch to hurry up and collect cans for him.  Soon, Grasshopper Mitch will snatch the pebble from the Master's hand and the cycle will become complete.  To hell with the old show Kung Fu, we got the makings of a new show, Can Fu!



FACIAL HAIR

"Draw a mustache on your face next time."  -Coach Proc to Dugger's son Jordan, after Nipsy the Ump called him out for being too  young to play.

BUGS IN THE PISSER

Mitchy gets the weekly award (normally given to Dusty for seeing naked men in the shower) for seeing something odd in the Rotunda Fields whiz house last night.  Pre-game, Mitchy went in there to whiz and saw bugs coming up from the drain of the urinals.  Yes, bugs, many of them, crawling up and out of the urinal.  EWWWWWW.  That building is so fuggin' sickening.

NIPSY NIPPIN'

The umps were once again sitting at the picnic table near the Rotunda Outhouse and were drinking beer out of paper bags.  Rotunda is such a classy, fuckin' joint.

TRI TIP AND DOGS

A big thank you to BigAl for bringing the hot dogs and to Big Country for bringing the Tri Tip.  As usual, "K"ramer outdid himself on the grill.  That tri tip was awesome!

NEXT WEEK

We apologize for the shortened TWIS, but Coach Proc is at home enjoying the last day of his vacation which for most of the week saw him and the family kickin' it back on the beach up in the Traverse City area.  There was no photoshop software available in which to mess with you bastards, but it will return next week.

Speaking of next week, its the last regular season game.  We think we have a playoff game the week after, but aren't sure. 

With that said, get to the game next week.  End of story.

See ya next week at 6:30 at the ballyard.

-COACH PROC