This Week in Softball - The Colt 45 Edition

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Beekeepers, Nipsy Russell, lazy ass umps and guys named Neil, Kevin and Eleazar....

Well all, Memorial Day weekend is upon us!  Let summer begin!  Time to grill!  Time for beer!  And time for another edition of TWIS!  With that said....


Welcome to This Week in Softball - The Colt 45 Edition


RUN OVER BY A MUSTANG

It was a hot ass night at the ball park last night.  Temps were in the mi-80s, it was humid as hell and we had those white, cotton-looking seeds that fall off the trees (they look like snow) floating in the air.  It was most surreal to say the least.

As for the game, the Bush Pilots were dismantled by the Mustangs, 15-7.  It seemed like a more lopsided score than that and would've been, had not for the fact we tagged out one of their baserunners not once, but twice for stupid, baserunning.  Who knows how bad the beatdown would've been had he not been a dumbass, we we digress.  The Mustangs hit everything in site.  Nothing our man Dugger threw them was beyond reproach.  The smacked everything.  Team Bush now stands at 1-3.  Isn't is funny, how we always manage to have a shitty record?  What's up with that?

UMPS ON STRIKE

The 6:30pm game time approached an no umps were to be found on the field.  Where were they?  Well, they were off in the distance, sitting on top of a picnic table, near the shitter building, drinking beer.  It turns out, these geniuses need the Umpire Boss Guy to tell them which field to ump.  Finally about 6:45, Umpire Boss Guy showed up and gave out field orders.  Our ump ended up being a brother dude, who strolled into the outfield on a slow walk to home plate.  And we here at TWIS mean SLOW.  This son-bitch couldn't be bothered to move his skinny ass any faster than a fuggin' snail.  He had no problem that he kept us waiting.  Oh fug no.  Ass wipe.  More on him later.

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK

We'd like to extend a thank you to Mitchy's son-in-law Scott and soon-to-be-son-in-law, Kevin, for showing up as full-fledged ringers and playing for us last night.  Although we ended up with 12 guys, it was touch and go there for awhile as to if we'd have enough guys to play.  Good work outta you fellas.  And a big thank you to Big Country for showing up again.  It was good to have some youth out there.

GERMANY  TO WIN THE WORLD CUP?

We'd also like to give a shoutout to a friend of the Bush Pilots, Yjorn.  Yes, we know that isn't how to spell his name, but its how we like to do it.  Turns out, Yjorn won't be working at Kuehne-Nagel with Mitchy and "K"ramer anymore.  Very sad.  However, Yjorn was sporting a most-cool, German soccer shirt.  For you soccer fans (are there any besides TWIS reader, Bob "Chainsaw" Bentley?), the World Cup starts in a few weeks.

We here at TWIS are anxiously awaiting the Arkansas Rugby get-down that'll happen next year.  Bush Pilot friend/fan, Art from Arkansas will be playing in that shindig.  That rugby is some tough shit.  Football without pads and helmets.

Here is our man, Art, sporting his Bush Pilots shirt by the Welcome to Arkansas sign. 





DRUNK FOCKER

"I'm sitting here (on the bench) drinking for the next hour and five minutes.  And then I'm outta here.  Don't put me in" --Focker

Of course, he played.  We put him in for awhile at Catcher, D.H., and D.F. (Drunk Focker).  All was good.  He even befriended the ump who later made fun of him for hitting it back to the pitcher.

THE BEEKEEPER

Over on Field number 6, a player was causing quite a stir on our bench.  It turns out, a dude was wearing a beekeeper's hat.  Dawg, Focker and Coach Proc's nephew, Neil, were all over this and did their due diligence to get a picture of this tool.

We here at TWIS would also like to call out this dickwad's pants.







BURGER KING SMALL HANDS GUY

Hose made an adventurous catch behind the plate last night.  A popup sailed high in the air and he sprang to action.  It seemed like an enternity that the ball was in the air.  Would he catch it?  Would it drop?  Would Focker open another beer?

In the end, the ball hit his glove, only to pop back out.  However, Hose made the catch while short-handing his glove.

It reminded us of the Burger King small hands guy.



COLT 45 "WORKS EVERY TIME!"

In honor of Coach Proc's 45th birthday, Jeffro presented Coach Proc with a gift -- a 40oz. Colt 45 in a paper bag.  That is some good shit.  You da man Jeffro.

Coach Proc has now taken over for Billy Dee Williams as the official spokeperson for this fine, malt liquor.

But then again, we think last night's ump could be the new, Colt 45 spokesperson.





NIPSEY RUSSELL

Speaking of the ump...back in the 70's and 80's, it seemed like every game show on TV had comedian, Nipsey Russell on as a panelist.  Well, he disappeared from TV and now we know why.  He took up softball umpiring.  Yes, Nipsey is now a red-shirted, softball ump.  Of course, the real Nipsey Russell has passed away (R.I.P. Nipsey), but his doppelganger, was alive and well last night.  This mother fugger cracked jokes, made fun of people, gave coaching instructions and wandered off at-will, to talk to people.  Not only was the fuck-head late to start the game, he extended it with all the bullshit he did.  Now granted, making fun of Focker was pretty funny, but the rest of this guy's act got pretty old, not to mention us getting old due to the length of our game.

We were able to capture this pic of the ump in action.







NEXT WEEK

Next week, we take on Futaba at 6:30 at Field #7 (Urine Grove).  Let's get a good turnout fellas.  Don't be making me chase your assses down.  Be there.  Doug-O, you back?  Bean, you alive?  Baby Bean born?  Need to get out of the house?  Focker should be a daddy by then himself.  T.C., be there!

And, you Facebookers, get us some more fans on our Facebook Fan Page -->  Bush Pilots Fan Page

We here at TWIS wish you a great, holiday weekend. Fire up those grills people!  Summer is here.

-COACH PROC

This Week in Softball - The Long Distance Phone Call Edition

Men who listen to the Go-Go's, people who use pay phones, playas from Players and dudes named Salazar and Al...

Welcome to This Week in Softball - The Long Distance Phone Call Edition

DOWN GO THE PILOTS

Well, sports fans, it was a sad night Thursday night.  The Bush Pilots dropped a 10-5 decision to the Pterodactyls.  However, this wasn't the same Pterodactyls squad that we shut out 3 weeks ago.  They had re-tooled with young bucks who could hit the hell outta the ball.  Several HR's later, our fate was sealed.

HOSE ACROSS THE NOSE

During pre-game warm-ups, Focker and Hose were throwing the ball around.  At one point, a perfectly thrown Focker ball glanced off of Hose's glove and appeared to blast him in the cheek.  This appeared to amuse Focker, as he had a huge, Focker-like grin on his face.  Hose, meanwhile, not so much.


LONG DISTANCE


At one point, discussions centered around Jeffro Bardelli turning 40 years old, and thus, joining the old man's club.  The topic then turned toward phone calls, cell phones and pay phones.  Jeff informed us he used to drive to Middlebelt road, in the 734 area code, pull his car up to the old, pay phone, and call his wife, then-girlfriend, who was going to school in Ypsilanti.  You see, Jeffro only wanted to blow twenty cents on his phone call.  No way was he going to pay the man anymore money to call another area code.

You know you are getting old when you tell these kind of stories.  Damn.

PLAYERS

In the parking lot, a dude walked by us with the word "PLAYERS" in big letters across his shirt.  He had one gold tooth and alot of missing spaces where teeth should've been.  This guy was a playa for sure.  It was like gangsta softball. 

SHOES ON  A WIRE

There were several pairs of spikes thrown over the power line and were hanging there for all to see. WTF?  Why does one throw shoes on a wire?  Is this a gang sign for playas?

DAVE AT THE BAT

Good work outta Dave for showing up and instantly being put up to bat to fill the spot of Dawg, who hurt his calf.

How'd Dawg hurt his calf?

DOWN GOES DAWG

Our man Dawg hit a ground ball.  Our man Dawg trotted, yes, trotted, not ran, toward first base.  Our man popped his calf muscle.  Our man is now on the D.L.

SPEAKING OF THE DISABLED LIST


We wish a speedy recovery to UPS Greg who blew out his appendix and spent some time in the hospital.  Heal fast brother.


OLD ENGLISH P's


We here at TWIS still thing the Pterodactyl's uniforms, with the old English "P" on 'em are pretty cool.  They look like uniforms a motocross rider would wear.


SCHMENGE'S PICS!


Alright, people, no pics were included in this edition of TWIS due to the fact that Coach Proc went up north turkey hunting and didn't have his usual photo software to dick around with.   However, our official team photographer, Schmenge, did capture some great shots of the team.

Team Bush Photos:    CLICK HERE!

NEXT WEEK

We need all hands on deck for next week.  Dawg and UPS Greg on the the D.L.  Gladiator can't make it next week and Jump starts his Little League coaching duties.  Doug-O ready to go yet?  T.C., we need ya.

People...Coach Proc is going to go get some caffeine, woof down an omlet and maybe hunt turkeys today.  Enjoy your weekend.  Get you asses to the ball park next week.

-COACH PROC

This Week in Softball - The Get Your Shopping On Edition

Rain forecasters, those who maintain phone hotlines, balloon animal makers, those who plant groves of trees, the entire state of Arkansas and people named Drew, Jack, Wojo and Salazar...

Welcome to This Week in Softball - The Get Your Shopping On Edition !!!

BUSH PILOTS WIN!

Yes we did.  17-3 over our arch enemy, Mother Nature.

O.K., so we didn't play.  Mutha Nate-cha threw us a curve last night and decided to soak the pristine fields of Rotunda, rendering them useless except for a mud wrestling match.  Speaking that, we here at TWIS would pay good money to see a mud-wrestling match.  That would be cool. 

We did, however, have some non-game highlights from last night.  Actually, alot of these were lowlights, but we digress...

BUSY SIGNALS?

We made 1,376 phone calls to the Rotunda Fields Weather Line yesterday.  Every fuggin' time, the number was busy.

Yes.  A busy signal.

WTF?  It is 2010.  No one gets a fuggin' busy signal in 2010.  What kind of outdated, bullshit technology is this?  Hello?  Internet?  Facebook?  Twitter?  Web sites?  Email?  Text messages?  Any of these would suffice to get the message across that the damn softball games were RAINED OUT.  But fug no!  We didn't get the definitive word on the cancellation, so we all showed up.  Obviously, some of the other teams heard about it, but not us.  Hell, even Can Return Al must've got word of the rainout as he didn't show up last night.

As you can see in the picture, BigAl felt the need to express his displeasure at the rainout hot line and for having to drive in from Farmington Hills.  We're with ya BigAl.  That was some Booshit!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MITCHY!

We here at TWIS, on behalf of the entire Bush Pilots Softball Club Organization, would like to extend a big, Happy Birthday, to our man, Mitchy, who turned FIDDY years old yesterday.  You are the man, Mitchy.  We'd also like to give kudos to Dugger for giving Mitchy a new Budweiser lid.  It was the real, cool, kind of lid that looks like its been worn before.  Mitchy instantly put on his new cap and stated, "It just feels so right."  

It just feels so right?

No man says that do they?

Alright, it was his birthday.  We'll let it slide.

On the right,  you can see the hat.  Admiring the hat with Mitch is his daughter, Heather, wife Sandy and son-in-law, Scott.  At the time this picture was taken, all of them were also making comment on how the hat must feel so right.

Moving on....

SHOPPING OR BEER

If you were ask softball players across America the following question:

Would you rather drink beer with your buddies or go to the mall and shop?

What percentage of the answers would you expect to be "drink beer with your buddies"?

100%?

That's what we thought.

However, we had one Bush Pilot (JEFF "Jump" SMITH) who decided to abandon his buddies and go shopping at the mall for his daughter's birthday.  Now granted, a kid's birthday is a special day.  You get a cake, presents, cards, etc. and all is good with the world.  But wait.  This "kid" is now a 20 year old woman.  There will be no Dora The Explorer themed party or trips to Chuckie Cheese.  Hell no.  She's gonna hit the clubs in Windsor and do some serious drinkin'.   So what is the perfect gift for a 20-year old girl?  You give her a hundred dollar bill and let her hit the mall with her BFF's while dad drinks beer with his softball buddies.

Do tell Jump....did you find any good sales last night?

MEN WEARING CROCS

We must ask another poll question....

Do men wear crocs?

Apparently, some members of Team Bush do.  Dusty was sporting a brown pair of the rubber loafers and Hose had on a nice, blue pair.  The problem with Hose's Crocs?  He borrowed them from his wife.  This is the second time this year (and we are only 3 weeks in) that a member of this team has worn woman's shoes (Dugger wore his ex-wife's softball spikes in Week 1).

Again we say here at TWIS:    WTF?    We are flabbergasted at this.

O.K., maybe we can understand there might be a comfort factor at play here, but overall, we cannot seem to justify this in our minds.

What is next?  Velcro shoes?  Black socks w/sandals?  High heels? 

Really fellas.  Shopping?  Crocs?   Chick's softball spikes?  Are we here at TWIS missing something?   Did one year away from this game turn you all into some kind of girly men?

What is next?  A "Glee" watching party?

WELCOME BACK WOJO

We would like to extend a warm welcome back to our good friend and Bush Pilots fan, Wojo.  Its good to know her car is still messy.  Some things aren't meant to change.

As for the balloon in this picture that Wojo is attempting to blow....up.  Well, we'll just let the picture speak for itself.




URINE GROVE

Its been said that, "Sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees."   While we could not see a forest last night, we did see a grove of trees.  What exactly is a grove of trees you ask?  Well, we thought the same thing.  According to the dictionary, a "grove" is "A small wood or stand of trees lacking dense undergrowth."  We like that definition, but we like the TWIS definition better.  In the TWIS dictionary, it stands stands for, "A small stand of trees where people go to piss."

It was like gettin' back to nature and shit.  We like Urine Grove. 


And for kicks, we'll throw in some pictures...

Coach Proc and son Jack take time to bond.  Actually, Jack couldn't pause his game in time to take this all-encompassing, father-son moment, but it was still a heartwarming moment, nonetheless.

Mitchy and Proc celebrating 50 years of Mitchy.  This is the second week in a row these two have been photographed together.  Yet another need for Manliness Training on this team.

BigAl and Dubya discussing who should be on the "cool people only" invite list for the upcoming, Fordson High School 22 1/2 year reunion.





NEXT WEEK

Join us next week as we take on the Pterodactyls again at 6:30pm on Field #5.  Someone put out a missing person's report on Former Coach T.C.  Get to the park, T.C.!!!   Sad news, Kurty most likely will miss out on playing.  Sigh.  However, DougO should be back in the house in a few weeks.

So, people, get out this weekend and buy yourself some pink crocs at the mall and plant a grove of trees to whiz on.

And, spread the word of our Facebook Fan Page ---> Click Here to see it.

See ya next week.

-COACH PROC

This Week in Softball - The Bee Gees Play Softball Edition

World Champion boxers, those who wear batting helmets, hawks that eat rats, and guys' named Hedge, Salazar and Barry Gibb...

Welcome to This Week in Softball - The Bee Gees Play Softball Edition


A SEE SAW AFFAIR

It was a hard-fought contest last night at dusty, Rotunda Fields.  Unfortunately, the Bush Pilots went down to defeat to the Mustangs by a final score of 13-12.  We fought by like a cornered boxer (more on boxing later) and overcame a 12-7 deficit to tie the game at 12-12 in the top of the 7th.  Team Mustangs were able get the winning run across on a sacrifice fly in the bottom of the inning.  In all fairness, our fielding SUCKED.  We had the Bush Pilot meltdown inning where 6 runs were scored on us with two outs.  Errors will kick ya in the azz everytime.

But, fug the game...its the beer we're here for anyway!

NICE WARM UP TOSS

We here at TWIS would like to give a shout out to our man Jump for air mailing a warmup throw over Coach Proc's head at first base.  Not only did the ball go over his head, it went over the fence, over the bleachers, down the hill and across Rotunda Street, never to be seen again.

BIG COUNTRY

A big thank you goes out to Big Country, or Salazar, or whatever his real name is, for coming out and filling in on the mound in the absence of Dugger.  Seeing as he can run, hit, throw, and actually has athletic ability -- unlike most on the team -- we'd like to see him show up more often, every game even.  Maybe we could have him bring 9 more of his athletic friends and the rest of us can just sit in the stands and drink.  We can still wear our uniforms though.

BATTING HELMET

We'd like to know why there was a batting helmet laying in our dugout? 

This is slow pitch softball.  We don't need helmets.

Or is it because one of you is a rider on the short bus? 

CRA THE BOXER

It was brought to our attention last night, that our good friend and smelly can collector, Can Return Al, was a boxer back in the mid-1950s, and supposedly, a good one at that.  The umpire at our game last night, grew up in the same neighborhood as CRA and has known him for nearly 50 years.  It turns out the tit-high, pant-wearing, old fella's real name is Aman Alfred Hedge.  Who would've figured him out to be a championship boxer?

Sure as f**k not us.


CPR ON CRA

"I hope I'm not here when that guy croaks."  - Hose

Yes, our man of the rescue squad, Hose, uttered these words as Can Return Al was walking away.  It dawned on Hose that he is the only member of Team Bush that is qualified to save a life.  We here at TWIS think Hose would spring into action to save the old fella should something happen. And, by chance, if something did happen to CRA, we'd have him laid out in state at the field like Tigers did for Ernie Harwell (R.I.P. Ernie), only instead of flowers around him, we'd have empty, returnable cans.  It would only be fitting.

UPS DELIVERS

We'd like to send out a huge, "Welcome Back", to team member UPS Greg!  Many years and a artificial hip later, UPS is back on the diamond and better than ever.  We here at TWIS think that new hip must be fugging bionic or something seeing as how  UPS hit with power and made several very nice plays at third base last night.  After the game, he was sporting a nice shirt with his nickname on it.  We have provided pictures.  The first picture is a good pic of our man.  In the second one, he looks like a gay druid. 

We here at TWIS think UPS Greg moonlights on WDIV, Channel 4, as Chuck Gaidica, doing weather.

NICE WRITING

While keeping score, Coach Proc commented on how nice the printing was on the Mustang's side of the scoresheet.  Within seconds, he was called out for being ghey.  Coach Proc then went onto say the printing bordered on caligraphy, it was that nice.  Suffice to say, it was far nicer that the chicken scratch shit we put on our scoresheet.  Seriously, its nearly fuggin impossible to read our shit.

DUSTY

Dusty threatened the editorial staff at TWIS not to mention his errors in rightfield last night.  So, we will not mention them at all.

Instead we will run a picture of Dusty's head in the place where we would've talked about the errors.

SPEAKING OF GHEY

As Team Bush prepared for our 7th inning comeback, someone on the bench said, "Let's stay alive!".

We find nothing wrong with that statement.  Its inspirational, motivational, and downright, a good saying.

However...it was taken too far.

"Let's stay alive!" morphed into several on the bench singing the Bee Gees song, "Stayin' Alive", complete with the high, falsetto voices.

Now that was completely GHEY.  Horrifying even.

We here at TWIS, call out George "Dubya" Galay and Matt "Gaylord Focker" Glomski, for singing this song.  We still suspect a third voice was singing, but no one has been man enough to come out and admit this.

This is just terrible.   It made all forgot how ghey Coach Proc's writing comment was.  It went too far.  Everyone is banned from singing any Bee Gees song ever, for any reason.  Never again we say!

Just for that, we offer you this...

MITCHY FALLS DOWN

And in breaking news, Mitchy fell down while catching a ball.  Imagine that.  Actually, it was a really, nice grab and it shows that the man still has game.

Mitchy joined Coach Proc for post-game libations to discuss his heroic grab. These two also discussed Coach Proc's daring, non-slide, stick-his-toe-on-the-plate-at-home, scoring play.  These two know how to relive heroic times.

Join us next week as next Thursday (May 13th) is our man, Mitchy's 50th Birthday!!!  Come on out and wish him a Happy Birthday!!!

MR. CLEAN?

We here at the editorial staff of TWIS were struck by the fact last night that Gaylord Focker looks alot like Mr. Clean.

And damn if he doesn't.


THANK YOU

A big thank you to Dave and Drew for bringing the Ball Park Franks in memory of long-time, Tiger radio announcer, Ernie Harwell.  Again, we say, may Ernie rest in peace.  He was a gem.

Also, thank you to "K"ramer for grilling for us and to Jump's sister, Kelly, for coming out to ridicule, er, watch us, last night.

NEXT WEEK

Join us next week as we take on Futaba at Field #7, at 6:30pm, and also to celebrate Mitchy's 50th birthday.

In the meantime, put on some boxing gloves and try to drink a beer with 'em on.

Tell 'em Aman Alfred Hedge sent ya.

See ya next week.

-COACH PROC